The Nightmare behind The Dream

Have you ever woken up in the morning, rubbed the sleep from your face, and while trying to remember who you are or what you have to do that day, say to yourself, "this can't be my life. Everything that is going on, can't be real." Have you looked around your room only to see the tear wrinkled pages of your scriptures, empty tissue boxes, and then caught a glimpse of your puffy red eyes in the mirror and realized that you are standing somewhere that you never imagined yourself being...

I pray that this hasn't happened to you and I pray that this will never happen to me again.
and sadly I know there are so many going through this very thing. and its heartbreaking.

I was twenty when my mom asked me to move home, because our family was going to need me. The weeks and months that followed were the ugliest and most challenging of my life. They were filled with nights holding my weeping father, cleaning up broken glass from picture frames my brothers had thrown across the room, wondering where my little sister was and praying so hard for her, wondering where any of us were really...my Mom had left us. My spiritual, amazing, perfect, beautiful, piano teaching, primary chorister, loving Mother had left us. She was no longer in love with my Dad and had fallen in love with someone else. It was shocking.

There were times when I thought that maybe it would have been easier if she just would have died. Horrible, I know. If she would have died then I wouldn't have felt the hurt from all the lies, I would miss her but still trust in our love. We still would have been devastated but then maybe there wouldn't have been so much anger. so much rejection. so much shame. knowing that she loved something more than us was heart wrenching, My Poor Father. No person deserves to be cheated on. COMMUNICATE PEOPLE!! GEEZ!

We have come a long ways since then. Its been almost ten years since our family crumbled. but we have slowly built a new one. I am so thankful to still have a loving Mother. She is amazing and I am so grateful for her example in my life. We have learned a lot about forgiveness, and about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know we would have been lost without the foundation that my goodly parents taught and built with us. Its been really difficult for me to share these feelings publicly. I love my parents so very much. They are amazing. I don't want to hurt them by sharing my thoughts, but I feel like after ten years, I need too.

For the past few years I have been singing a song I wrote called the Dream. Its about my parents building their dream, then losing that dream home, and losing each other. Its about what I learned from the whole experience. I still feel like I'm learning from them.
LIFE is HARD.
Marriage is Hard.
and it seems that families are struggling more than ever.

I never worried about my parents divorcing. I never imagined it. I knew that they would work through anything. We were forever. and as a child, thats exactly how you should feel. safe and secure in your parents relationship. but for spouses is that the appropriate way to look at your marriage? Thinking that nothing will ever come between you is naive and dangerous.

A few months ago, Jon and I got a used king bed from some friends. Its used and worn in on the sides. Its kinda not the awesomest. but its big and fits all of our kids when they come in our room in the morning [middle of the night], and we are poor and gladly take free stuff from our clean and rich friends [also we'll gladly take free stuff from our poor and dirty friends, YAY-Free Stuff!]. Well, there is a huge hump in the middle of the mattress. and I hate that stupid hump. Both of us don't want to lay on it, cuz its not comfy, and so we never snug anymore. and I think life gets like an old mattress. We both have our sides, and its easy to be comfy on our own side and it takes actual effort to stay close to each other. We change, we grow, we get fat, we get tired, we get busy, and we don't even realize the distance between us. FIGHT THE HUMP!

My Parents experience has taught me a lot, and I hope to be better because of it. It scares me to think about losing what I have. My Mom reassures me that you don't lose it overnight. It takes years and years of slowly letting go, years of ignoring yourself and ignoring real problems in your relationship. and not being willing to fight the hump. I know this certainly is a heftier load of blog than I usually post, and I have a few more that I'd like to share. I hope it won't make your heart heavy to read. I just feel like I need to finally let it out. a therapy of sorts...thanks for reading. and thanks for listening to my songs. I have a few new ones that I hope to share along with the stories behind them soon.
For those who are going through hard things right now, know that I am praying for you. Things get better. and in ten years maybe you will blog about it...


*photo #1. We really love Dixie College. (My Dad was the Recruiter)
*photo #2. The Rogers at the same stage of life Jon and I are at now. Its strange to think about.
*Photo #3. The Butlers, things are really happy!